Land of Arranged Marriages

"I had only two requirements: she should be musical and she must be able to speak English. – One day my father told me he had found a suitable woman for me, she was musical and spoke English. On the day of our engagement I saw her for the first time. The day after that was the wedding."

What is unimaginable for me and many others is everyday life in India. I came to the land of colours, spices and contrasts for an internship. Since my colleague told me about his wedding, I can't stop thinking about how fortunate we are to have grown up in Europe. We can decide for ourselves whom we want to marry and whether we want to marry at all. Regardless of which (federal) state or gender. And there are no castes here either. My colleague is an open-minded, young man. He did his Master's in Germany and would like to work in Germany again in the future. Many of my colleagues who lived in Germany for a few years feel the same way. But usually the parents had other plans for their children.

"That was the biggest mistake of my life. I should have asked her before the wedding whether she likes to sing and whether she can speak English. After we were officially married, she told me she couldn't do anything with music and that whilst she understood English, she couldn't speak it. If I had known that earlier, I might have been able to prevent the wedding. Now we live together and my wife is always looking for a fight. We can never have a peaceful conversation with each other, like we are now."

His words made me sad, but over the last few months I have already heard many stories about arranged marriages, so I really shouldn't be surprised anymore. In many cases, the hastily assembled couple get along reasonably well and often love develops over time. But divorce is not an option here either, so it means making the best of one's fate.

"When I saw all the couples in Germany who kissed in public or held hands, I wanted that too. But I never did anything, never went on a date. I knew my parents would object and I would have felt guilty if I had met a girl. So instead I did a lot of sport to distract myself from these thoughts. When it got really bad, I went to my room and cried. After that I felt better again."

After this confession, I was initially at a loss for words. I was surprised how open he was with me. He has now been working for this company for five months, can put his German language skills to use there and has contact with us German interns. He likes to talk to us about Germany and his time there. He misses mulled wine. But the recent move to a new city did him and his wife good. Previously his mother and his wife lived under the same roof and argued constantly, and there were always disagreements and misunderstandings. Now his wife still likes to pick fights, but he only has to calm down one woman now and not also his mother. He now goes to choir singing alone.

"Love marriages are rare in India. They exist, but they require a lot of persuasion and are only possible within the same caste, religion and state. A marriage between North and South Indians is almost unthinkable" (see book tip below). "I would have liked to marry for love too, but I was never really in love."

With these words he let me get back to work. My concentration was gone for a while. Even now, days later, I think about it. His story shows how fortunate we are, we can usually make free decisions and don't have to give up anything because of our culture. Arranged marriages have long been a thing of the past in Germany. Perhaps this will change in India in the coming years too. If you believe the younger generation, you can at least hope for that.

Anyone who would like to read more on the subject, I recommend the book "2 States" by Chetan Bhagat. The reader learns about his wedding story and the sometimes difficult path to it. The book is written with humour and shows that there are other ways, because love is the strongest force.

Martina Hoffmann