Afraid of your bachelor's thesis?

I began my studies in 2016, in the winter semester. I decided to study quite spontaneously because I wanted to study something. The thought of working from after my A-levels until retirement made me dizzy. Now we are in 2021. My studies dragged on, but now I have passed everything. All ECTS credits have now been completed. I have worked hard for these. The only thing still outstanding is my bachelor's thesis.
During my studies I have written at least 10 essays, averaging 12 pages each. Most of them I passed with very good marks, except for the first ones which I messed up. But as soon as I understood the principle of essays, I became good at it. Of course, it is a huge effort every time, but I know that I can do it. During the preliminary meeting with my bachelor's thesis supervisor, she assured me that a bachelor's thesis is basically like two large essays and I had no reason to worry. And yet I feel fear. The fear sits so deep that it triggers a fight-or-flight response and I choose flight. I hide from my bachelor's thesis by watching entire series on Netflix within two days. I empty out my wardrobe, I repot plants, I even start jogging, even though I have always hated jogging. After several weeks I like jogging more than the thought that I won't be able to get around writing the bachelor's thesis. But none of this helps. If I want my degree – and after all the hard work I have put into my studies, I definitely do – I will write this thesis and find a way to overcome this fear.
And so I sit down and make myself comfortable. I think about what I learned in therapy: fear is a basic emotion that arises in the amygdala, and like all other emotions has a reason for being. Our brain is a highly intelligent machine that always tries to protect us from all dangers. Sometimes also from dangers that, factually speaking, (do not yet) exist. I do the exercise that I often do when I procrastinate, because for me procrastination has turned out to be a reaction to fear. I ask myself what I am afraid of.

Is it the fear of the bachelor's thesis and the work that comes with it? I am a bit afraid of that, but that is not it. After thinking about it for a while, I realise that it is the same fear I encountered after my A-levels: the fear of deciding on a job. It is the fear of being trapped in a job for life that does not make me happy and where I complain every day when I come home about how shit the work is. I am afraid that after my bachelor's thesis I will look around on the job market and possibly discover that I cannot find a job I like and later get trapped in that job, because after all one has to earn money.

Once you have put the fear into words, it suddenly seems smaller just because of that. Now you can question it and determine whether it is justified.

There are thousands of jobs on the job market. How likely is it that I will not like any of them? Relatively unlikely. And what happens if one day I am sitting in the office and realise that I hate my current job? I realise that I will never be trapped. I have the option at any time to look for another job. Because regardless of what our parents' generation thinks, in our modern times there is no compulsion to do the same job for life. You can always look for something else, further your education and reorient yourself.

And so I sit at my desk and thank my fear for wanting to protect me from a dull, monotonous job, but I also tell it at the same time that that is not necessary, because I am confident that the right job for me is out there, even if I do not yet know exactly what it is.

Xenia Hoff