Just keep going

A failed attempt to escape self-imposed pressure

The monotony of the online winter semester affects my mood like it does every year. To escape my seasonal low spirits, I indulge in daydreams about spring and the lecture-free period. This year I'm planning to walk my now third Camino de Santiago, the Via de la Plata. Over 1000km in total, for which I'm planning roughly five weeks. That's nearly 50km more than last time, which at that distance is no longer a big difference. But walking 1000km feels like a whole new level. Finally four digits. Now perhaps one or two people might ask: Why on earth would you put yourself through that? Well, unlike many other people, only a negligible part of spiritual motivation lies behind my plans. I simply love hiking. As long and as far as possible. Nature is of course also beautiful and a big part of the journey, but I also enjoy hiking for hiking's sake. In the fresh air with myself, without music, only with my thoughts. Erling Kagge has written a book about it that I can only recommend. The man expresses my emotions towards hiking pretty much perfectly. Walking is special. Not least, I do it because it feels like a holiday from the everyday life of capitalist achievement society. Just eating, walking, sleeping, eating, walking, sleeping, eating, walking, sleeping. Now and then a glass of wine with other pilgrims. Escaping the pressure of self-optimisation for a few weeks and just being myself, without producing monetisable performance. The biggest problems are hunger, tiredness, aching joints and blisters on my feet. A holiday from the everyday of doing more, getting better, going further. 
Going further, ironic isn't it? Because I'm also performance-oriented on the Camino de Santiago. I'd like to lie and say that I don't check every day how far I've walked. What daily average do I manage this time? How long did it take me for the day's distance? Who walks more and faster? I'd like to say that my ambitions are limited to minimising my rucksack weight to put as little burden as possible on my body. But it's not that simple. From my circle, I get the impression from few people that they compare themselves with others as much as I do. I'm incredibly competitive. Often I only really manage to do something for myself if I'm better than others – in comparison – or if there's no direct comparison. But then I'm not doing it just for myself anymore. It gives me no satisfaction to see that others fail, not at all. But it gives me an incredible feeling of happiness to see that I'm better. Paradoxical, isn't it? This pressure towards self-optimisation is so intrinsically anchored in me that I prefer to do many things alone. It's a pressure of always getting better. 
I find it difficult to live in the moment. I like to have a plan and want to shape my life more efficiently and effectively. Sometimes my mental health takes a back seat. It's particularly difficult when my plan doesn't work out the way I want it to, because I've scheduled more capacity than I actually have available. I got on a bus once on the Camino de Santiago to drive 5 of 950km and that felt like a failure. How ridiculous. Yet it's more efficient to make the most of one's own capabilities by taking the breaks one needs. I easily made up those 5km with detours. And how sad that I'm even talking about efficiency here. Life is not just about efficiency. Perhaps I've understood that a bit with the Camino de Santiago. It would be more efficient to drive the 1000km by car. Or by bike. But I walk. To mindfully feel myself and my surroundings. This year I'm hopefully starting with a rucksack of 5kg and barefoot shoes. Currently I'm still working on a sports injury that I've been carrying around for a while. I don't think I need to emphasise that it would feel like a failure on my part if I didn't get the injury under control in time. But I'm working on it. Perhaps this year I'll manage to be a bit more present with myself. Compare myself less with others. And – in the context of the Camino de Santiago – compare myself a bit less with myself. Who knows, perhaps I'll even find it easier to reach my goal. One thing is certain though: until I manage that, I'll just keep going.