A Life in Flux

University life: I'm standing at the bus stop, it's Friday morning around 8 o'clock. The display board for line 10 has been flashing for ages. But there's no sign of the bus turning the corner. Tired, I stare at the street, at its grey asphalt. Winter is making itself felt, because it's cold and damp, even though it's supposed to be a sunny day. The fog hangs over the ground and also in my head. Four hours of sleep last night and I regret having partied for so long. Carefree and free, as if there were no tomorrow. Being young, being a student. It's a life between eternal idleness, the feeling of being unprepared for anything and bound to nothing, exhausting periods of stress and the burdensome feeling of being shoved around in life. The world seems to be becoming ever faster and more uncommitted, nothing is guaranteed, not whether the seminar will be passed, whether and with whom you'll spontaneously meet for a beer in the evening or what the next morning will look like. Sometimes you feel lost and overwhelmed. 

Because life as a student is in constant upheaval.

You regret falling into bed drunk at four in the morning when you know there's a statistics lecture at eight. You then ask yourself whether you're even cut out for such a regulated daily routine. Whether you're even capable of creating such a structured routine for yourself. Doubts that somehow never really go away. Because it's not regulated to spend a whole day hungover in bed. In a room where the laundry basket is overflowing, a protocol has to be handed in tomorrow and nothing's on paper yet, and you're stuffing yourself with cheese pizza from the delivery service, which you can't really afford. Fear that foams like acid in your stomach when exams are looming alternates with the intoxicating feeling of bliss, amongst friends, memorable evenings and long conversations. A rollercoaster, with highs and lows that repeat almost rhythmically. Emotional chaos. Actually, it can be quite beautiful, to hop freely like a bird down Sanderstraße and to be able to be spontaneous always and everywhere. Everything can, nothing must. But there's so much to decide and everything has consequences for the future. That puts pressure on you. The choice of a suitable degree programme or seminars, for example. The difficult search for a shared flat or apartment, finding the right flatmates. Dealing with complicated interpersonal situations. Dealing with complicated situations that take place in your own head. Sometimes I then feel like I'm losing myself a bit, I'm no longer the "old me" and that scares me. There are compromises you have to make. Principles you have to set. There are infinitely many ways to shape your life, yet it's simultaneously binding. Submission deadlines and exam dates stand in contrast to long nights in a club, a bar or spontaneous weekend trips. But that's what growing up is like. And then the question 'who am I and who do I want to be?' and the search for fulfilment. For something that's noticeably missing, but it's not quite clear what. Confirmation, the feeling of having everything under control or being loved. Feeling important. The desire for recognition, to be at peace with yourself or free from stress. Sometimes loneliness overwhelms me in a group of people. The feeling of standing completely alone. Who understands me?

And when I sit in the canteen after university or walk through the city towards late afternoon as dusk breaks and I see all the young people, it becomes clear to me: you all understand me. Because ultimately we're sitting as a large bunch of students in our Würzburg bubble and struggling with growing up. Basically, almost everyone has the same or similar problems that you have to somehow cope with. The important thing is: nobody is alone in a crowd of like-minded people. Nobody needs to feel overwhelmed by their chaos, or lonely, or helpless, or powerless. 

It's okay not to have a perfectly planned, routine daily life.

It's okay not to go to the gym today. 

It's okay to get a kebab at three in the morning to balance out the ten beers. 

It's okay to hand in a seminar paper with only half-good feelings. 

It's okay to leave the plastic waste in the kitchen for two days longer. 

It's okay to have memory gaps after a long night in a club.

Because this time, as confusing and stressful as it can be, won't come again once your studies are finished. Because being young doesn't last forever. Because you're in a stage where you have to figure out who you are and you only have responsibility for yourself. And sometimes it's important to switch off the fears and just enjoy it. 

Charlotte Jost

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