Tie & Hoodie

Yes, I know them in my wider circle of friends too – the dudes who founded a start-up. The dudes who were screaming in the mosh pit in their early twenties "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me!" and now develop apps. They used to have an indie band. The singer became a teacher, now listens to jazz and says things like "Coltrane saves me from burn-out." The guitarist still plays in a punk band, but sees nothing wrong with that. The drummer and bassist stayed true to their nerd image and now make apps. They gave up their secure positions at the agency because self-realisation and all that. They screamed "Fuck you, I got a development loan", walked past their bosses with loosened ties and now wear hoodies at their desks. Their instruments gather dust in the attic of their parents' house. But still – I admire that! This naivety, this courage, this Veltins V+ mentality. I imagine how after a tough meeting they lighten the mood with a Nerf gun battle. After that, a proper filter coffee and a slice of cake that the feel-good granny baked herself yesterday. And the next day it's back to business in the same fresh spirit and old hoodie. Of course, these are common clichés about young founders. I don't know how relaxed things really are in a start-up company with at most two levels of hierarchy. So I call Patrick, one of the two dudes, and ask whether they have a table football in the office and whether microdosing has also arrived at their place by now. Patrick sounds confused because we haven't spoken for at least three years and asks me why I want to know that. I scream loudly "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" into my smartphone and hang up. Then I briefly considered founding a start-up myself. But I preferred to have a wank instead. I wouldn't be the type for it anyway. If I imagine founding a start-up with friends – those would be the same people I go drinking with. How am I supposed to work with them? Above all: who do I complain to when I go drinking with my friends in the evening? The boundary between desk and pub counter would disappear. Suddenly I'd also be drinking during the day and instead of talking about women and music in the evening at the bar, I'd be talking about trend forecasts. No, I couldn't do that – talk about trend forecasts in the evening. But still, I find it admirable when young people go down this path. Facebook, for example, wouldn't exist if Mark Zuckerberg hadn't drunk a crate of Veltins V+ in order to enjoy the moment and then live his life and then finally push through with his thing. Since then he's put a + after every day. So we need more courageous young entrepreneurs with great ideas. With ideas that squeeze our social interactions even more into a digital corset, so that the first sound of a newborn in the year 2072 will be an emoji. If it's already aware of its situation by then, I'm betting on *puking smiley*. Anyway, I'm digressing. As I said, so instead I had a wank and at the completely unspectacular climax I screamed "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me." After that I lay sad and embarrassed by myself on my desk and stared at the ceiling. I straightened my tie and smoothed down my jacket. No, I definitely couldn't found a start-up. I don't even have a hoodie – and no friends. Well, you can buy friends, but a really good hoodie like that – you don't buy it. It finds you. It fits like a second skin and always gives you that warm, cosy feeling of being at home. No matter where you are – even at the workplace.

Robert Alan